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Abbey knew she shouldn't have gone. She knew he was going to be there. But of course Mia dragged her out to the party. After the party was over Abbey and Edward were there. Alone. Abbey likes him and she thinks he knows that. Abbey offered to stay because everyone who was there left including Mia and left a huge mess. He allowed her to stay and they cleaned. She thought this was her opportunity to get close with Edward. She didn't know how but she wasn't going to let that stop her. Abbey started by asking what kinda is music he likes. Edward told her any type was fine with him. She asked if he wanted to play some music and he nodded his head. Abbey put on what she called her ?dancing queen playlist.? It had plenty of upbeat, popular, old, different songs. Edward seemed to like it so she continued to play it. They were cleaning all the red solo cups that got left behind first. They danced their way around the house picking up red solo cups, paper plates and plastic utensils. Abbey and Edward were having so much fun. She asked him if he had a girlfriend because she really never knew. At times Abbey thought he had a girlfriend because he was the varsity football captain. He also hung around Emma Berrywell a lot as well. She was a cheerleader not the captain though. He told her, ?I do have a girlfriend but honestly at the moment me and her aren't on good terms. Can we not talk about her? I was having fun dancing like a fool with you.? She got butterflies when he said he was having fun dancing with HER. She was also a little upset to find out he had a girlfriend. Abbey said, ?oh ok I'm sorry I didn't know, but who is it and what happened?? He sighed and sat down in the dining room, she sat next to him. He started talking slowly and said, ?I am dating Emma Berrywell. She is always starting fights with me. I don't know what I did wrong most of the time. This time she got mad cause I cheated on her in her dream. I told her I would never do that to her and it was only a dream but she didn't want to believe me. I got her flowers and chocolate and a stuffed animal and she still was mad. I just don't know what to do. The boys say break up with her since this isn't the first time she has been mad at me like this. But I do love her and want to stay with her.? Edward buried his face in his hands. Abbey grabbed his hand and said, ?Look, I have been there too. (even though she hadn't) I know how hard it is. (even though she doesn't) Do you think maybe you guys should take a break?? He nodded but couldn't take his face out of his hands. Abbey told him to call her right now. He finally took his hands off his face and she saw those beautiful blue eyes. His left eye let out a tear and she wiped it away for him Edward grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialed her number. He put the phone on speaker Emma picked up:
Emma: ?Hello??
Edward: ?Hey baby, I need to talk to you.?
Emma: ?What do you want? I'm still mad?
Edward: ?I understand that and that is actually what I'm calling about.?
Emma: ?Ugh just say it already, I was busy.?
Edward: ?Fine, I think we should take a break because this isn't healthy.?
Emma: ?Um yeah no we are NOT doing that. If you want to take a break then we can break up.?
Edward: ?Baby, please I just think we should take a break for a little bit.?
Emma: ?You know what, we are done. Don't call, don't text. Goodbye Edward for the last time.?
Edward, ?Please??
She hung up before he could get anything else out. He texted her even though she told him not to. He wrote her a paragraph. It wouldn't deliver. He got visibly upset. Abbey tried to comfort Edward, by saying it will be ok and do you want anything. His response was short and filled with so much hurt on both sides.
?Her?
This word felt like a knife going into Abbey's heart. She knew how much this was hurting him but it hurt her so much. She walked into the kitchen and tried not to cry. He walked in about five minutes and saw her with her hands over his face like he had done just a little bit ago. He pulled her hands away and asked her what was wrong she then told him, ?look even though you just got out of a relationship this needs to be said. What you said before and wanting her hurt me. The reason it hurt me so damn much is because I LIKE YOU! I wanted what you guys had but with you. I didn't want to interfere with you guys so I never really talked to you or her. I didn't want either of you to get mad at me.? At this point she was crying. He pulled her in for a hug, it was the only thing he could do in that moment. She felt so warm and safe in his arms and didn't want it to end. She couldn't stop crying. After holding her for about 5 minutes Edward let go and led her to the living room and sat her down. He wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, and ran into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle and gave it to her. He sat down next to her and let her calm down a bit. When she finally stopped crying he asked her if she was ok. Abbey said that she was fine. He said, ?I have something to tell you? even though I just got out of a relationship. I find you very attractive and I was very happy when you offered to stay and help clean up. I don't know if I will be ready to hop into another relationship but honestly I don't think I'm going back to her.? Abbey was so happy to hear he liked her too. She told him it was ok that he wasn't ready to get into a relationship. She honestly didn't think she was ready. He told her it was fine to go home because there wasn't much left. She asked if he was sure and he said he was. They exchanged numbers and she left. When she got in her car she didn't realize how late it was. It was 3:24AM, the party ended at 1:30AM. She couldn't go home now She was thinking about just sleeping in her car but then thought about how dangerous that might be. She texted Mia and she was awake, she went there She told her about the whole night and punched her a couple times for leaving. The weekend went by so fast. Abbey was texting Edward all weekend. On Monday she met him at the front of the school and they walked the halls together. Everyone stared at them but they didn't care. Edward invited Abbey over his house after football practice. She agreed and went into 1st period After school she sat in the football stadium and did her homework. After practice ended she waited for Edward to come back out. He never did, so she went to go look for him. She knew where he parked because she parked a couple spots down. He was there and asked if she was coming. She looked at her car, an old red ford focus. Then she looked at his light blue 1969 camaro and said that she was coming. They got in and went to his house. After dinner with his parents they went to his room. She stayed there until 9:00PM. She told him she should really get going and he said, ?ok, beautiful I will see you tomorrow.? He kissed her cheek and she left. He texted her that he had a very big surprise tomorrow. Tomorrow when she finally got to school by Mia she went to him. He had a huge sign asking her to prom, and of course she said yes. ?That wasn't the only surprise,? he warned her. After school he asked her to be his girlfriend. Again of course she said yes. They dated for the rest of senior year and were very happy together.
There was something weirdly calming about a good thunderstorm. Not the kind of storm that rolled in, grumbled a few times, and left without much fanfare. No, the kind of thunder that shakes the foundations, the lightning that illuminates the entire sky, the rain that lashes against the window so hard the glass might shatter. The kind of thunderstorm you feel in your bones hours before it arrives, the petrichor the only physical sign that something is wrong. Chaotic and powerful, and so very dangerous, yet somehow? there's something about the particular brand of anarchy a thunderstorm brings that feels almost peaceful. Maybe it's the blanket of clouds darkening the entire sky, broken up by brilliant flashes of light, or maybe it's the fact that when the outside is as wild and untamed as it is, Ellie doesn't feel as torn up or broken inside.
Ellie has always felt like she was born a little wrong. That she didn't have all the same pieces that everyone else did, or perhaps she did and they were just put together slightly wrong. Like a Rubik's cube with a single square out of place. Her head just didn't seem to work the same way as her schoolmates; they didn't seem to worry that everything they said or did would be scrutinised or misconstrued, they seemed to just be able to act without thinking of every single fucking possible consequence. She couldn't even go to Subway without practicing her order dozens of times in the mirror, yet her friends were somewhere new every day, chatting to strangers at the local pubs. Meanwhile, she'd sit alone at home, full of fear that she was missing out on these crucial bonding moments with the people her age, but unable to move from her bed, paralysed by her own head.
If she really thought about it, which she had (rather frequently in fact), she wasn't even sure how she still had friends. At school, she spent way more time with her head in a book than she did chatting. Not because the books she read were particularly interesting, but simply because by the time she'd thought through her response to something that Perry had said, the topic had moved on at least three times. She'd replay every conversation she had that day in the shower at night, thinking about how she could've responded better, or even responded at all.
The feeling of being left out due to her own crippling fear was getting tiring; after a full life of it, you really do start to get sick of it. So she'd decided to become more proactive and make more effort with her friends, to push past that little voice that told her they wouldn't give a fuck about what she had to say, and actually engage in conversation with them. It was actually working; for the first time since she'd known them, they actually sounded sad when she said no to their invitation out. That distinction was what led her to say, ?Actually, I will come to Cam's party on Saturday.?
The main problem with what she said was that Saturday had actually come round. It was much easier to make plans when Saturday was some indistinct time in the future; she had time to make an excuse, or for the party to get cancelled by the thunderstorm that had been raging all day. When she text Cam about it, he said the only thing that changed was the theme; it was now an ?End of the World' party. Relatable; this party certainly felt like the End of the World to her. She sat on her bedroom floor, surrounded by her entire wardrobe. None of it was really that party suitable ? she had a style that was very comfortable, soft jumpers and leggings for the most part. She didn't even really know what to wear to a party ? she'd watched every season of Skins and about twenty hours' worth of American teen party movies to try to figure it out, but styles seemed to vary wildly. After consulting with all her friends, Google, and her mother (who was surprisingly supportive of her teenage daughter heading to an unsupervised party full of horny teenagers), she settled on her only pair of black jeans and that one nice top she bought for her cousin's birthday. It wasn't very lowcut, but for someone that existed in high neck jumpers it felt nearly pornographic.
The hair and makeup side of things took a while too. Given how much time Ellie spent in her room, she'd had a lot of practice at ?dolling herself up' as her grandma would say, and seeing that she didn't really go out much she had some money saved up so spent it all on expensive makeup. It was one of her main hobbies; she'd find a look on TikTok or Instagram, and then spend hours trying to recreate it. That perfectly honed skill all seemed to go out of the window though the second she sat at her vanity to try and do it, though maybe that was just the anxiety brain kicking in. She kept it pretty simple with her makeup today though; she really didn't want to stand out too much. She knew she was throwing herself in at the deep end by attending one of Cam's parties ? he was known for going way overboard and letting things get way out of hand ? but exposure therapy is probably the best cure, right? Ellie had never even been out for food with her friends and this is her first experience hanging out with them outside of school? This was definitely a bad idea and she should cancel? but no. Because Ellie wanted experiences and fun and good friends, and this was her first step to getting that.
All in all, it took her about 5 hours to get ready. 3 hours for the panic attack, an hour and a half to actually get ready, and then another thirty minutes for another panic attack. The party had started about an hour ago; all her friends were already there, judging from the Instagram stories. In a weird way, that gave her some peace of mind; given the chaos already going on, it was unlikely her absence was noticed, and therefore it was unlikely her late arrival would even really be noticed. Cam only lived 5 minutes away from her anyway, so it wasn't too much of a trek for her to get there. Grabbing the bottle of vodka her mum bought for her (she really was way too excited about her daughter going to a party), she checked her bag for the 8th time that night to make sure she had everything; she already knew she did, but it just helped her to calm down.
After another 20 minutes of pacing, there was really no more excuses to stop her from leaving the house. Saying goodbye to her mum, she left the house, locking the door behind her. This was it. This was her first party. This was her first stepping stone to a more fulfilling life, with friends and a social life. With that thought, she set off with a spring in her step. The voice in her head actually shut up for once, letting her have just a moment of happiness before she reached Cam's front gate. That's when it decided to speak up again.
?If you wanted to have a shit time, you should've just stayed at home; at least there you can do it in pajamas,? it said, somehow having a snide tone of voice in spite of it being her own inner monologue. ?You're not exactly the life of the fucking party, are you now??
?Yeah, well, maybe tonight I am.? She said to herself quietly, smiling softly. Maybe she could be a thunderstorm. She didn't necessarily have to be the thunder or the lightning, maybe she just had to be that quiet peace she felt when one was overhead. And with that thought, she stepped into the party.
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