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Driving late at night?empty streets, neon lights, and crisp air?is the only way I can calm my mind. Ever since I got a ticket for speeding my parents only let me drive to work and school, but my friends are having a party and I can't miss it. It's my childhood best friend, Dylan, seventeenth birthday and I promised I would be there.
It started at 10:30 but these kinds of parties run late anyway, so I quietly open my window, place my foot on the nearby tree, and before I start to climb down it, I close my window so there's only a sliver of space left for me to open it when I get back. No harm no foul. Once I'm in my car I unzip my brown jacket, revealing black, baggy pants and a forest green long sleeve.
The drive to Dylan's house is one I've driven a thousand times and it's not long. That's the only perk when you live in a small town?you know where everyone lives and nothing is too far a drive.
?Hey! You made it!!? Dylan picks me up in a hug, spilling his drink all over me. I don't necessarily mind, that's why I brought extra clothes to sneak back in the house with me. Once he puts me down I smile at him, ?I promised I would be here didn't I??
?I didn't think Mr. and Mrs. Driving School would let you anywhere near a party after you were caught going sixty in a forty-five.? He wasn't wrong about that, but I didn't want him to feel bad when there's a ninety percent chance of me getting in even more trouble when I get home. ?Yeah, well, who could say no to me?? I shrug my shoulders and flash my best shit-eating grin at him.
?That's why I love you.? He puts his arm around me, pulling me closer to him as we start to make our way through the crowd, ?We need to get you something to drink.? He's shouting in my ear which just makes me giggle because it's not even that loud in here. He must be drunker than I thought.
?Okay, but no mixing shit or you'll never make it to your eighteenth birthday.? I shout back at him. Now it's his turn to flash me a shit-eating grin of his own, ?Who? Me? Never.?
After I take the drink he made me and taste it to make sure he wasn't being a dumbass, I grab his hand and we clumsily walk to the dance floor. The crowd of people erupted in cheer for Dylan when a giant circle was formed around him. Of course, he was going to show off his dancing skills. And when I say dancing skills, I mean he attempted the worm but gave up once he realized how sticky the floor was and resorted to the robot, a classic.
The circle closes in and he finds me again. We dance together like were nine again?awkwardly and not sure if we can touch each other. Once we get over it he pulls me close enough he can whisper in my ear.
I can feel his hairbrush against my eyebrows, ?Were you serious about me not making it to eighteen?? He pulls away and gives me a fake worried look while looking at my drink. I laugh, pull him back into me, and say ?I don't know Dylan, was I??
After three hours of dancing, helping Dylan to the toilet, and sobering up, I decided it was time for me to go home. I make sure Dylan is safe and sound in his bed before zipping my baggy jacket on and walking to my car. The drive home is normal, nothing different, same streets and same buildings. I count the houses I pass in my neighborhood? eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Number thirteen, unlucky, I think as I slowly pull into the driveway. I turn off my lights so I don't wake my parents or startle my dog.
I'm almost to the top of the tree when I notice I can't see my window anymore. It's so dark outside I must be in the wrong tree. It's dark, but not so dark that I would be looking in the wrong direction, but when I look around I realize that, no, this has to be the right one. Did I drink more than I thought I did?
Instead of accidentally falling out of a tree, I decided to take the risk and go through the front door. I punch in the code and push past the door, quietly shutting it behind me. Walking up the stairs is a little more difficult as I have to sidestep all the parts that creak. Once I'm at the top I think I did it, I successfully snuck out without anyone knowing. That's when I notice my doors missing.
There's just a wall. What? No this is where my room is. Before I can start freaking out, my dog starts barking at me. ?Hey shhh, it's okay.? I put my hands out in front of me, trying to calm her down, ?It's me, be quiet or you're going to wake up mom and dad.
I hear their door open. Shit. It's too late. I stand up straight ready to explain where I was all night, I mean they know it was Dylan's birthday, they had to have known I would?
?Who are you?? My mother screams, ?Did you break in? Are you lost?? Before I can ask her what the hell she's talking about she calls for my dad.
He comes racing down the hallway, wiping the sleep from his eyes, ?You need to get out of here immediately or I'll call the police.?
?Dad? It's me.? I plead, confusion making tears start to form in my eyes.
?I don't know what game you're playing, but I swear young lady, you're either very lost or very cruel.?
?Mom, tell him. It's me, Mac.? Real tears are falling down my cheeks when I see the look on her face. I don't know what's happening, but the way my mom is looking at me right now, I realize. She has no idea who I am.
I race down the stairs, almost tripping, and hop in my car while they stand at the doorway, my father with the phone in his hand. I don't know where I'm driving to, but I can't be here anymore. I count the houses?twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight. The streets are the same. The buildings are the same. What is going on? This has to just be some cold-hearted punishment for sneaking out. It has to be.
I go to the police station because where else should I go? I'm staring at the brick building, cop cars lined out front, sitting in my car, and I feel like I'm in a dream. I don't know how it started but I'm halfway to the front doors when I stop. I can't do this. What am I going to tell them? Oh hey officer, my parents don't know who I am, could you possibly go to my house and introduce us for me.
Before anxiety can really take over my body I hear a voice from my left. ?It's not worth it, they won't believe you either.? I snap my head to see a tall man, dark hair, leaning against his car. He looks like any other guy, but the way he's looking at me, it's like he knows me.
No matter how hard I try, words are not something I can conjure right now so I resort to staring at him like a lost girl in the toy aisle. He laughs a little to himself before walking over to me.
?Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you.? He puts his hands out in front of him, reminding me of how I did the same when my dog starting barking at me. I knew she was confused and I wanted to show her I meant no harm and she didn't need to be afraid. ?It's just, well, no one remembered me either.?
I freeze at that statement but am finally able to say words.
Well, one word. ?What??
Everyone Else
Me and my boyfriend Trent have never really seen eye to eye. For some reason, it always seems like I'm drawn to people that are the exact opposite of me.
"I cannot stress enough how good you look in that dress, Abby" Trent said to me after looking up from his phone for a split second.
"You mean it?" I always ask him that after every compliment knowing I'll get the same response each time.
"Of course, I mean it. If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it."
"Yeah, I know I know...." I said while brushing down the sides of my dress hoping it would somehow slim down the rest of my body.
"I'm not too sure I like it actually..." I said hesitantly, knowing the cans of worms I had opened with that single sentence.
?Are you serious? This is like, the 5th one Abby....? At this point Trent was looking up at me from his phone and I could see the annoyed expression on his face.
?Yeah, I don't know it just-?
?Just what? It looks perfectly fine, just like all the other dresses did. What could possibly be wrong with this one?? He said raising his voice more with each syllable.
I looked at myself again in the mirror, aiming my eyes solely at my stomach. I knew the honest answer to his question but was too afraid to say it. So instead, I said ?The color.... It's the color...?
At this point Trent stood up and stood beside me looking at me in the mirror.
?What are you talking about? It's your favorite color!? He said picking at the seams of the dress.
?Just because it's my favorite color doesn't mean it looks good on me.?
I picked up my hanger for the dress and walked towards the dressing room to change back into the outfit I know I felt safe in.
Trent sighed and sat back down, knowing he could not change my mind no matter how hard he tried. In a way I felt bad for him. How much longer is he going to be able to put up with me?
After I finished changing, I handed the dress back to the worker and we started making our way out of the store.
On our way out, I noticed this beautiful woman walking past us. I glanced over at Trent and caught him looking her up and down. And for the first time in my life, I decided to call him out on it.
?.....You never look at me like that..?
That was when he looked me dead in the eye and said, ?Well maybe if you were more confident, I would.?
And that was when I saw it.
His breaking point.
After yelling at each other in the parking lot for half an hour and me crying, we decided we should take a break from each other.
I went home and immediately went to bed.
The next day, I had school.
The only person I spent time with at school was Trent. Today I needed to resort back to one of my older friends. Heather.
Heather and I are exact opposites, just like me and everyone else I meet for some reason.
If I am being quite honest, I always resented Heather in a way.
She is everything I always wanted to be. She is confident, funny, good at everything she does, and can get along with anybody. She's just like everyone else. I was so envious of her that I started to distance myself from her more. Which was not fair to her at all, so I hope she doesn't think me wanting to hang out again after all these months is weird. It wasn't just her either, I started to distance myself from everyone, the quieter I became the more I wished I was as social as everyone else at school. Was it just me? Or did everyone get a lesson on how to talk to people one day when I was home sick from school?
During lunch time, I walked around the cafeteria after getting my food to look for the only friend I felt like I had left. Despite knowing a lot of people, I didn't feel like I fit in with all of them.
I hoped to find Heather soon, I hated walking around because I was afraid people would see me and comment on how bad I looked. But maybe I was too deep in my head.
That's when I finally saw her.
?Hey, Heather.? I said approaching her slowly.
?Abby!? She said excitedly running up to me to give me a hug. ?How have you been?! I haven't seen you in so long!?
I slowly pushed her off me. ?Yeah, I know... I'm sorry about that...?
?Oh well it doesn't really matter now. All that matters is that we can have lunch together, right?? She said grinning at me.
That sentence took me by total surprise. Not only did she beat me to the question, but I wasn't even sure she would say yes to that if I asked her.
?Uh, yeah! Where did you want to sit?? I asked looking around.
?Oh! Can we sit in our old spot? The one under the tree.? Heather pointed over to a table secluded from the rest of the cafeteria. I was immediately reminded of why I chose that spot, because I was self-conscious of the way I looked while I was eating.
?Sure.? I said to her, and we started walking over together.
Our chat started off with small talk, catching up with each other and sharing stories of what our senior year has been like so far.
?Have you picked out your dress for prom yet?!? She asked me while stuffing her face full of broccoli.
?Well, I was trying to find a good one, but I haven't found one that really suits me yet.? I looked down at the ground hoping for a way out of this conversation topic.
?Oh, well you have some time left, I'm positive you'll find the perfect one! Besides, you are so pretty, you could wear a garbage bag and still make it look good.? She started chuckling to herself. ?You're going with Trent, right? That's a handsome couple right there!?
I looked up at her for a moment, then looked back down and let out a sigh. I didn't know how to tell her what had happened, and at this point it would just be embarrassing.
She moved her head down to be able to look into my eyes and asked, ?Is something wrong??
?Uh, well, yes. Me and Trent decided to.... take a break...? I met my eyes with hers and saw the worried and regretful look in her eyes.
?Oh shoot, I'm sorry Abby, I didn't mean to bring up anything negative.?
?No, it's ok, you didn't know... Actually, you're the first person I've told.?
She kept staring at me with that same look on her face while the wind was blowing her black hair into her eyes.
?Well, if you ever want someone to talk about it with, I'm here for you. This is a no judging zone!? She said in a joking voice, but I knew she was being genuine.
?Actually.... I do need your help.?
As soon as I said that the look on Heather's face went from uneasy to surprised. Even I was surprised, considering the fact that I'm terrified of talking about my insecurities with other people. Nonetheless, asking for help with them.
?How do you do it??
?What?? She said, with a look on her face that looked like I had just accused her of a crime.
?How are you... You?? I asked her in a confused tone of voice.
At this point she looked lost and very confused, but in the moment, I didn't know how else to ask her what I was thinking.
?What do you mean?? She asked calmly.
?Like, you're so confident and you just exist so... naturally, like you don't have a care in the world, or like you're untouchable. I'm honestly a little jealous. I just wish I could love myself as much as you love yourself.?
She stared at me for a solid second, and then started laughing.
?What's so funny?? I asked her, very confused.
?Do you really think I love myself that much?? She said still laughing.
?Well, I mean, you sure act like it.?
At this point she started to stop laughing. ?Yeah, I guess I do act like it. You know it's a good thing you say that, often I forget the person I pretend to be is real.?
I looked at her with a shocked expression on my face. ?Heather, what are you talking about? You meant to tell me you aren't confident??
?Well, no not really. Although the fact that you think I am does kind of boost my ego a bit...? She said giggling again. ?Ok let me see if I can explain this to you. I am very insecure; I just choose not to show it. Does that make any sense??
I looked at her in disbelief. ?No, I don't get it, at all.?
?Hm, ok, well let me ask you this; what are you insecure about?? She said putting a carrot into her mouth.
Great the only question I never want to answer. I thought about whether I should be honest with her, but I figured, I'd rather learn from her than ignore her again.
?My looks.? I said feeling embarrassed about myself.
She looked at me surprised.
?Abby, are you being serious? But you're gorgeous!? She said looking me in the eyes.
?Well, I appreciate the compliment, but it doesn't always feel that way.? I said looking back down. ?Actually, that one insecurity is the reason me and Trent decided to take a break from each other.?
?Huh?! Oh please, if he can't love you for who you are then you deserve better anyways!? She said looking at me. ?Oh sorry... too soon??
?No, you're right? I said looking back up at her. ?So, any advice for how I can be confident??
?Oh! Well, no not really? she said looking up at the leaves from the tree we were sitting under.
I looked at her with a confused look and she looked back at me and said ?Well, I'm not really confident myself! I have to hype myself up to do most things and then pray for the best! Just like when I asked you to eat lunch with me! I hadn't seen you in so long, so I wasn't sure you wanted to sit with me...? She said looking down at the ground with a smile on her face.
At this moment I was in total shock, but somehow felt happy at the same time. To know the girl I had envied since middle school felt the same way I had been feeling my whole life, felt nice in a way. It felt like, she was a real person that I could finally connect and relate to. Maybe she really wasn't like everyone else.
She looked back at me and met her eyes with mine and continued.
?But I asked you anyways and here we are! I learned that you never know unless you try, so living by that rule gave me a false sense of confidence, I guess. The only advice I can give you is just, fake it till you make it. Once you start acting like you are confident, everyone around you will believe that you are, even if you don't see it for yourself. And I can guarantee that everyone you see walking around here, is not all that they make themselves out to be. And as far as insecurities go, everyone has them, I know I do. I'm insecure about my personality, but if someone doesn't like me for me, then I don't want them in my life anyway. Just stick around people that make you feel good for being you.?
Never in my time of knowing Heather have I ever thought she would admit that she's not confident in herself. I wasn't even sure what to say after that because that answer was better than anything I would have expected her to say. Of course, it didn't fix my insecurities, but it made me realize I can hang around people that don't make me feel bad for having them. It also made me realize that everyone is dealing with their own insecurities. I spent so long thinking I wasn't like everyone else, but maybe everyone else is just like me.
I hugged Heather tightly.
?Thank you.? I said to her softly.
She lightly pushed me back, looked at me, and smiled, ?No need to thank me!? she said, ?It's not really the best advice, but it's what I do to get through every day.?
Even if it's not realistically the right advice, it felt perfect for me.
?Hey Heather...? I said looking directly at her.
?Do you want to help me pick out a dress for prom??
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